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Sonoma was up the hill with Phy who lived with her most of the time, but was with me whenever. So she and When were sharing the apartment on top of the pottery shop. I had submitted to Sonoma just before I moved into Powers Street. She took it seriously. For me it was my closet self. For her it was revenge. I cheated on her and embarrassment was the worse crime demanding no forgiveness. I had submitted for forgiveness and continuing submission. But she was having none of it. But still I committed to her and Psy. But it was to be forever-more a platonic relationship. We had to share a child.
Now recalling - I had also submitted to MaryM. But she was having nothing to do with it either. With her Mormon upbringing, there was probably never a chance. But at that time what did I know? That was probably the reason she left me. Now I had to submit to commitment as a concept. Sonoma was not going to make it a physical thing. She had done that in the traditional way. I was not a traditionalist and messed it up. Sometimes I have wondered if the mess-up was subconsciously intentional. Three sniffs of Thai weed, to foster the inability to say no to sex with another. However I don't think any decision can be made on this, without the benefit of the whole lifetime, as an entire retrospective.
My attitude at the time was that there was no connection between sex and committed love. I wanted to have certain brief friendships and sexual experiences. They were in containers. They were experience unrelated to otherwise commitment. It was the enjoyment of woman. Why should I be limited to one?
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