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But then what happened in that period is ninety-nine percent forgotten - the fourteen hours of every waking day. However one might assume it is all stored in the banks, and that access might be allowed as best befits a need to know, in the context of what information one has access, to explore alternative interpretations.
Nor can I remember what exactly or why was my conversion. What I can remember was that there was a conversion. I know this because I did some thinking about suicide, and it was during my painting period at Powers Street. The meaning of suicide was I should take responsibility for life, quit complaining and feeling sorry for myself and being the victim. I should either shape up or ship out.
Could I commit suicide? If I could not, it would make the whole concept illegitimate. The proposition was, if I could not commit to suicide, I could not commit to life. Take responsibility and quit whining or get out. Still it was a theoretical game. I don't think I posited it as a real possibility. The whole idea of the Japanese hara-kiri came into it. They did it. It was honourable. It was the ultimate honor. So one should be able to do it if one took anything at all seriously.
Death was a context - a comparative proposition. "Give me life or give me death", where life is the open value and death the closed. The Romans put
hot coals in their mouths. Think I learned this from studying Italian art. Now that is unthinkable. For myself I sort of thought of it as a knife in the gut - Seppuku style.
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