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32
It feels good. Perhaps my female dominant fantasy was a substitution, for an unconscious understanding of the reality of the slavery of the body, in its environment and the absence of freedom. I submit just give me orders.
Suicide was the only way out. It would be the only act of freedom I could commit.
If living is not free - dying would be. The act of annihilation would prove that I was free to end my slavery. I would freely choose to end my servitude. It is an option. I don't have to live a slave's life. It would prove I am not a slave and could be free. If suicide was the only way out, by not annihilating oneself, I was not free. The only way to truly prove it, to truly be free - would be to do it. I do it of my own free will, and in the doing, it proves that there is no limit - I could do what would free me.
But what would I have then? It would be of no use to the here and now. The here and now was no choice if no suicide. You have no choice, unless you nullify this life and really do it. Then one had choice but no life. Life or choice? I gave myself life, with the option to exercise choice, at any time that it might seem pertinent - only later. I believed that I could do it, and in so doing there was a certain degree of power. If this or that becomes an eventuation, I can always opt out. I don't have to become corrupt.
(28 of 32)
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