Analysis

Through free-association, I was exploring my past in the form of day-dreaming, usually with the accompaniment of music. Studying concepts such as the existence of God, I remember the first time I thought 'God does not exist'. My immediate associations were that I was going to hell, that such a thought was evil and that this was the most evil thing I had ever thought. This came of course from my years of Christian indoctrination. However I did learn, and which has proven true for all manner of previously forbidden or seemingly unrealistic thinking, that one gets used to contradictory conceptions and logical and emotional prohibitions. I learned that one has to be able to think whatever one wants. Thinking is not action, whereas in the Christian conception, evil thought is as bad as action. God knows all. So one has to in this instance, defy God to be self-thinking. They did not allow free thought which was a sin.

I would ask a question, make it a statement, and find out what I knew about it and how I felt, by relating associations and events from my past. I discovered an underlying operating system habituated and automatic which was controlling me. There were a great many things suppressed, as inadequacies and inferiorities, primarily that I would not admit to myself. If I was to control myself I had to discover the truth no matter the consequences. I would have to discover all the hidden and suppressed feelings, emotions, thoughts and actions and especially those of the greatest embarrassment and seeming condemnation. Much of this was so embedded and suppressed I discovered over time, that it took years to undo.

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