Year Two

I remember about this-time there was a conflict about holidays. I was conditioned as we all are to participate of holidays, consisting in all-sorts of expectations like gift-giving on Christmas, or the big-family get-together of Thanksgiving. Was a particular New Year's Eve I remember that, I questioned for the first-time the whole-idea. Why should I feel the necessity to celebrate older as birthdays I intimated. Why verticize my mind to encapsulates which don't fit my free-range landscape. The year before I was in North Beach on Broadway, with thronging-crowds in the cold New Year's midnight. Now I was wondering why I should. It was an external control of which was-put on-me by the culture. I was expected to go out and have a good-time, and if I had no-friends and no place to go, I was to stay home and feel miserable - possibly for some to the point of alcoholic-obliteration or suicide for some.

There are time-frames, like-plans for life, school, profession, marriage, retirement all mapped-out with segments the life of, like marriage-age whatever, and the earnings ratio by age-thirty. I decided to disregard it all. There would be no clock mechanism that would control my life; by segmented expectations, by which my emotional make-up would be controlled. Sequenced expectation puts the end before the act, causing one to live life by rote as automatic predestination. So to have a truly independent will I would need to dispense with this mechanism. However-apparently, I deep-sixed a process of sequential memory in the process thus having no frame for history here.

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